EVEN MORE - Testimonies of those who have found more.

Deanna's Story

“I know addiction when I’m in it”, says Deanna, “But it doesn’t mean I can just walk away.” My gambling addiction began when they brought the casino to my home state. I never had the money to travel to Las Vegas so the state was gracious enough to bring the excitement of Las Vegas to me. Gambling was a brand new experience and I was invited to try it out with a girlfriend as a night on the town. Tons of lights flashing, people whooping and howling at their bets paying off at betting tables and cigarette smoke so thick. Now I know, it is more like Satan’s den of temptation.

I watched my girlfriend as she played a slot machine. Coins go in and three reels spin feverishly and if you match them all, you win. Easy concept, player friendly and you don’t have to put any thought into playing. She lost twenty bucks in less than five minutes. My turn. Coins in…reels spin…a few coins are spit out at me and then all is lost. Between my girlfriend’s money and mine this machine has forty bucks! This ranks up there with the other stupid things I have done with my hard earned wages!

It was a while before I went back but I did in fact go again. I visited more often to make a deposit at least that’s what I was calling it! Of course I would win here and there that’s what made it exciting. An added attraction to the situation was alcohol. It’s amazing the more cocktails you consume the better you think you odds are of winning! A fuzzy perception of reality, that’s what they’re banking on. First I would walk away having lost fifty dollars here and there. I recall the first time I took one hundred dollars with me, I was moving up the ranks fast. My boyfriend and I would make weekly date nights and between the two of us were starting to lose quit a bit. I must admit I hit some big numbers. My first win fall was eight hundred dollars on a quarter machine, and my boyfriend hit twenty five hundred dollars. I had lots of three and four hundred dollar wins. I started playing the fifty- cent machines and then the dollars. I got to the point that when I rode the elevator to the casino that awaited me upstairs I would literally become giddy like a little kid. I chanted the same thing over and over in my head, “Today is my lucky day!” The sounds of the slot machines were intoxicating to me.

The business I worked for relocated about 10 minutes from the casino. How unfortunate for me! Now I could hear the machines calling my name from my desk. I would sit at a machine until 3 or 4 in the morning and then drive home broke. Later I learned to come prepared, I had my ATM card in one hand and my checkbook in the other. The casinos are very accommodating. I was betting in the upwards of three and four hundred dollars. On more than one occasion I gambled away my mortgage, car, insurance and utilities payments. I gambled money I didn’t have, money from loans I would take out from the bank and money I would borrow from family. I got pregnant with twins and still kept gambling. I needed cribs and car seats and strollers times two and still couldn’t stop. I just knew I was going to hit the “BIG ONE”. That’s all I needed just one. I started asking myself, “What is the big one?” I would set the machine off and win seven hundred dollars and sit there and pull that lever until it was all gone. I couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t walk away. The addiction had a hold on me and held me to the stool. The last straw was the night I lost twenty five hundred dollars. I had to break down and call my parents to confess my addiction. I was in deep. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, tell my parents I was a failure. I knew it God knew it why did anyone else need to know it? I put my name on “The List”. The list is a roster of names of those who have an addiction to gambling and you are NOT allowed to gain entry to the casino. Do I miss it? You bet (no pun intended!) I think about it all the time. I used to sit in church on Sunday mornings and pray that I would win at the boat later that day. I am so thankful that God is in control and not me! He gave me the strength to give it up. I still get the inkling to go but I wait for it to pass. I guess that craving never really leaves.

Addiction gets a hold of you and doesn’t like to let go. I am proof that you can “Win Big” over it but it can’t be done alone. Was it easy? Simply put…NO! It isn’t as easy as pulling the lever on the slot machine. I don’t know anything in life worth fighting for that is that easy, especially when you’re fighting for your life. Gambling ruins your life destroying it bit by bit. I know now that casinos are built on losers not winners. That it isn’t the person that’s fighting the addiction that’s horrible but the addiction itself and losing your way for a while isn’t as bad as losing your way for a life time. I have found that opening my life up to what God has in store for me rather than trying to live life in the fast lane, I have so much more than I deserve. I got help. I had to give it to Him and ask that in reaching out He would guide me. I didn’t like it at all, I would consider myself to be a bit of a “control freak” and now I am letting go. The Bible tells me that with God all things are possible. Meaning that He will give me the strength. Letting go of my ego wasn’t easy or fun but an experience I will never trade for. God has changed my life in such awesome and humbling ways that I can’t imagine living life without Him! I recall a conversation that I had with a friend of mine in where I told her that it just isn’t fair that others have more than I have. Her response to me made me think. She said God never said life would be easy or fair. She was right! But I have learned that God offers the same love, grace and mercy to all who are willing to “do life” with Him! Since the day I chose to give my life to Him and let Him lead me I have found that there is definitely more than I could have ever known to a truly fulfilled life through Him. Don’t get me wrong my struggles are still very much there everyday, but I chose to take in the promises that He freely gives me and I learn more and more everyday what He truly desires for me! This world will fade away, urges will come and go but the word of God will still remain. I have been counseled by professionals who specialize in addictive behaviors like mine. I know that God equipped these people to help me. I know that change is possible and I am living proof of it everyday! I know that holding on to Him is what keeps me grounded and letting of my addiction is only something I can do with His strength. Life is hard, don’t do it alone. He has so much more in life to give you if you let Him in your heart!